


The Taste of Victory

by VaultOfMelkurMistress



Series: The Missy and Ainley Adventures [9]
Category: Doctor Who (1963), Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Celery gets stolen, Comedy, Even more ridiculous plans, Missy films the whole thing, The Doctor's fashion sense offends the Master, and eaten
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-10
Updated: 2020-07-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:28:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25173145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VaultOfMelkurMistress/pseuds/VaultOfMelkurMistress
Summary: The Masters, obviously watching the Doctor, debate which one has the worst fashion sense. They decide that wearable vegetables might just be the most ridiculous of all the Doctor's decisions, and they form a plan to steal his celery. It's pure comedy.
Series: The Missy and Ainley Adventures [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1276067
Comments: 1
Kudos: 15
Collections: A Mayhem of Masters





	The Taste of Victory

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Rae_Saxon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rae_Saxon/gifts).



> Inspired by a poster of Ainley and the Doctor's celery, and brought from my head thanks to my lovely best friend, who made a much needed writing pact with me last night :-)

The Doctor channel flickered across the multiple monitors stacked neatly into the large console of the Doctor Watching station. The Master sat, his arm resting on the velvet cushions the spacious couch was filled with as he chuckled in amusement. 

“He is ridiculous,” he said.

“Which one dearest?” Missy said, squinting at the monitors as she raised her head from his lap, where she had set up a very comfortable station since draping herself across most of the couch. "You'll have to narrow it down."

“Well, that one! Clearly the most ridiculous!” 

Missy rolled to her side and grabbed her umbrella from the floor, holding it steady as she pointed it at one of the monitors. 

“That one? The scarf gets my vote.”

“No, far more ridiculous than an impractically long scarf,” he said.

“Hmmm,” she mused, aiming her umbrella at a different screen. “THAT one. Come on now honey, THAT coat for the win here.”

The Masters visibly shuddered in perfect unison as they stared at the clash of colours on the screen.

“Alas not my dear. I feel that the concept of wearable vegetables has to be..for the win, as you put it.”

“Hey!” she said, sitting up abruptly, the palm of her hand resting on the handle of her umbrella as she sat up straight and glared at him. “There is nothing wrong with edible arrangements upon MY personage.”

“Of course not my dear, because you have the greatest respect for the artistry of millinery. CELERY, is simply not…”

“Classy?” she said, raising an eyebrow with an amused smile. 

“How can he be taken seriously, walking around, saving the universe with a stick of celery - why do they even listen to him?”  
  
“Maybe it’s hypnotic celery,” Missy said. “We should create hypnotic vegetables, get ourselves a lovely market stall and sell the Doctor some healthy food with a twist.”

“Ah but Missy, our plan would be foiled from the very start - the Doctor purchasing fresh ingredients _to cook_?” he said incredulously, as mirth danced in their eyes and they both paused before bursting into laughter. 

“That’s why we can’t seem to part ways my dear Master - see, we bounce the ideas around, come up with the greatest plans,” she said, chewing her lip before emitting a small gasp, her eyes wide and excited. 

“What is it my dear Missy? Do you have a glorious plan forming?”

“Oh the most _glorious_ my dear Master!”

“Do tell me - shall we toy with him?”

“Oh yes, we shall. We shall STEAL his celery!”

“Steal...his celery?” he asked, stunned. “Why Missy...that plan is…..INGENIOUS!”

“Yes I thought so too, with age comes wisdom and all that. Just walk up, take it _right_ off his coat - instant fashion upgrade.”

“I do believe that together we can accomplish the most _brilliant_ plans,” he said, chuckling. 

* * *

Missy sat strategically placed at a small table in the low walled garden of a cafe, a fresh pot of tea and a cup placed on an ornate saucer in front of her. She smiled as her past self stood in the shadows nearby the Doctor’s TARDIS, waiting for his moment until the Doctor was finally alone, his companions heading off to explore the bustling marketplace.

She looked into the reflective surface of her device, her finger tip lightly running along the corners of her lips as she inspected her, as usual, immaculate makeup. A multi functional device really was quite handy for ensuring flawlessness AND recording amusing pranks for future enjoyment. 

A shadow passed by, instantly obscuring her light and she frowned in annoyance as she glanced up to see the annoying human standing right in her direct line of sight of the Doctor's TARDIS. 

“Excuse me?” 

The human remained still.

“I said, _excuse me_!”

The human not only ignored her but had the audacity, to place their bag down and proceed to SIT on the wall, Missy’s line of sight marred instantly. 

She tapped her screen in annoyance, exiting mirror mode and enabling the maximum vaporisation setting, shaking her head incredulously. She pointed the device in one swift movement and fired, the view instantly clear again as the human was reduced to a pile of dust. 

“Oops,” she said with grimace, meeting her past self’s amused eyes. 

“Accident,” she mouthed, before tapping her screen and swiping her calendar, tapping in the number 0. “Ok, days without murder...0. It’s an impulse at this point, AND I improved the vista, can hardly fault me on that.”

The Doctor strolled back, his hands in his pockets and a smile on his face as he began to make his way past the cafe. Missy tapped her device as she casually raised it, recording as the Master strode purposefully from the shadows, straight toward the Doctor.

The Doctor didn't spot him, not until he came to an abrupt stop, almost colliding with the person who was suddenly in front of him despite the ample space around the front of the cafe garden. He blinked, stepping back slightly as he stared into the eyes of the Master.

“Oh my dear Doctor, what a pleasant and most unexpected surprise, in this distant human colony of all places!”

“Master,” the Doctor said, caution flooding through him as his guard raised, his thoughts turning immediately to the safety of his friends. 

“Doctor,” the Master said, an eyebrow raised as he chuckled. “Why, anyone would think you were not pleased to see me! How offended I am! But I shall not dwell on that as there is far more that offends me you see.”

“Offends _you_?” the Doctor said, taking in everything he could, with caution, in his peripheral vision without taking his eyes from the Master, his hands moving from his pockets to rest on his hips as he glared at him. “Abducting Adric, almost destroying the universe. The...body you now wear…”

“Oh I think that’s a great body,” Missy said, winking at her past self. “Oh - do keep talking don’t mind me, I’ll just sip my tea and look at my phone.”

The Doctor stared at the woman who had interrupted them as she smiled and held her cup to her lips, shaking his head at the human obsession with smartphones - before turning his attention back to the Master who merely smirked. 

“And all while paying such excellent attention to style, form, presentation. A body and a look that commands respect, power, authority. While you, my dear Doctor, are permanently dressed for a sporting event and keep a _snack_ , on your jacket.”

The Doctor shook his head and cast an insulted glare at Missy as she giggled into her teacup before returning his attention to the Master, who had stepped closer once again. 

“I command authority when it’s needed, I don’t crave it like some,” he said.

“No my dear Doctor, you clearly crave... _celery_.”

Missy quickly zoomed in and out repeatedly on the Doctor’s face as he stared, stunned at the Master’s words.

“What do you want, Master? If you have plans to harm the people of this world…”

“Oh I care nothing for the peoples of this world...or any world. No Doctor, my cause this time is one of far greater good.”

“You? Doing an act of good for this planet? I find this hard to believe,” the Doctor said, as in the back of his mind he recalled the various quirky laws the human colony had created over the centuries and hoped that Turlough had not fallen foul of any of these when a quick exit might be needed.

“It is an act of good not just for this planet, but for the entire universe Doctor!” the Master said.

“What could you possibly do to help the entire universe?” 

“My dear Doctor, before I perform this act of pure goodness, from the depths of my very hearts, I must ask - why? Why do you feel the need to attach…. _vegetables_ to your coat?”

“Not vegetables...plural. _One_ vegetable,” the Doctor said, affronted.

“You have attached a vegetable to your coat!” the Master said. “Even one offends me and every other living being with any sense of style and taste!”

“You are standing there, in a stolen body, insulting my coat!”

“Insulting? Oh Doctor, my very _eyes_ are insulted!” 

“You can’t possibly even begin to suggest my accessories are more offensive than body stealing!”

“I believe that’s exactly what I am saying. It’s a _vegetable_ Doctor!”

“It is a perfectly fine accessory!”

“Vegetables are _not_ accessories, they are food!”

“Vegetables can be….” the Doctor began, abruptly stopping mid sentence as he stared, stunned at the Master. The Master who had plucked the celery from his coat and was now holding it precariously close to his mouth. 

“You wouldn’t,” the Doctor said, knowing full well that he most certainly would. 

The Master didn’t dignify that with an answer as he took a big bite out of the celery.

The Doctor’s eyes grew wide as he stared incredulously as the Master began to bite chunks from the stalk, his eyes never leaving the Doctor’s for a moment. 

“You seriously have the audacity to eat the entire thing in front of me? This is...is this your _plan_? Your entire plan…..this is _it_?”

The Master held the remaining celery tightly in his hand as he dropped his arm to his side, not willing to admit that he did not enjoy the taste of celery at all, merely the taste of victory. 

Missy leaned back and panned the camera round at the sound of a cry of alarm, to see a vaguely familiar looking person ran headlong towards them, a worried expression etched into his face. 

“Master,” Turlough said, coming to a stop beside the Doctor, wrists pressed together as he raised his arms in resignation. "Caught up with us again...our fate is sealed then."

Missy spluttered, coughing as she placed her tea cup soundly down, the camera aimed at Turlough. 

“Turlough,” the Doctor said with a sigh. “The Master is not abducting you.”

“He’s…..not?” Turlough asked, his arms dropping to his sides. “Then….,he must be about to destroy the planet...with us on it, Doctor.”

“Would you stop being so defeatist!” the Doctor said, shaking his head. “The Master is not here to kill you, just to…”

“Eat your accessories. No, _that_ Master isn’t, _I_ might though, just for laughs,” Missy said.

“ _That_ Master...are there two of them??” he said a look of horror crossing his face. 

“Are you lost dear? Let Missy recap for you. Yes, two of us. Hi, he's the Master, I'm also the Master, the one sticking vegetables onto his coat is the Doctor - you're currently looking like a deer caught in headlights, I believe the saying goes. Why do deer do that again.. _.dear_?” she said.

“I assume because they accept their fate,” the Master said and took one single step toward Turlough. 

Turlough sighed in resignation. “We can’t escape two Masters...we’re all going to die, Doctor.”

“TURLOUGH! Would you just go back to the TARDIS and put the kettle on!” the Doctor exclaimed. 

Both Master’s watched in amusement as Turlough began to walk backwards, hurriedly glancing behind himself the entire way back to the TARDIS, in fear that the Masters might have left traps for him. As he slipped into the safety of the TARDIS, the doors closing, Missy shouted.

“FOUR SUGARS IN MINE!”

The Doctor watched, stunned as the Master held out his hand and Missy took it, stepping across the low wall, her skirt hitched in her hand. 

“Thank you my dear,” she said with great affection before turning to the Doctor. “Now _you_ , try some berries, edible arrangements only belong on hats.”

The Doctor stared after them as they walked off, arm in arm, the picture of a sophisticated couple on a leisurely stroll. 

“That’s it? That’s all?” he called out after them. 

Missy glanced over her shoulder and blew a kiss as she broke into a skip much to the Master’s annoyance.

“I am trying to demonstrate a dignified and refined poise as we walk away with the offending vegetable, please refrain from skipping.”

Missy laughed and placed a kiss on his cheek, “you know he only chooses that shocking clash of colours in his next regeneration to make a point about this, don't you?”

“Oh dear, I fear we are part of a paradoxical fashion nightmare,” he said in dismay.

"Ain't that the truth honey, but we _will_ keep company with the Doctor," she said.

"Wouldn't have it any other way," he chuckled.

  
  
  
  



End file.
